


Scars On The Back

by ni21



Series: Scars On The Back Are A Swordsman's Shame [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Aftercare, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BDSM, Cutting, Dom/sub, F/M, Healing, Humiliation, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Scarification, Torture, Trauma, death of a random child as plot device
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:41:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24222232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ni21/pseuds/ni21
Summary: Justice has always been a clear path for Tashigi. Unfortunately the World Government has a different definition of justice and so she has a lot of things to cope with. Her sense of justice is tried constantly, and when she's dancing on the edge herself and the Government denies her misdeeds, someone else has to make her pay for them, has to help her cope.The tags apply mostly to chapter 3. Once you reach that there's a link to the chapter summary on ffn.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Tashigi
Series: Scars On The Back Are A Swordsman's Shame [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768186
Comments: 77
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lunamars (lunnamars)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunnamars/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome to my first try at ZoTash!
> 
> **First of all, please mind the tags. This fic might not be for you!** If you insist and are just desperate for more ZoTash content, you might want to consider skipping Chapter 3!  
> Anyways, have fun with this very harmless introduction chapter!

"Fuck you, Roronoa!" She hated herself as soon as the words left her lips, she did not want to lower herself on his level, but it did the trick. The black of his hand receded and he let go of Shigure, a mocking grin on his lips.

"Oh, is that what this is about? Why you keep following me around wherever I go?" he asked, and it took her way too long to understand what he implied. Stupid filthy pirate scum!

"You wish! I wouldn't stoop so low," she answered, her voice as sure as the strike of her blade that he blocked effortlessly with his own. A new one, one she had never heard of, but which was exuding a power that was almost otherworldly. To think that he had managed to lose Shuusui. And just when she had thought he was worthy of wielding his blades. 

"So low, eh? Because I'm filthy pirate scum? And on the wrong side of justice?" he asked, his own aura almost overpowering that of his sword as he bore down on her. Her knees were almost buckling with the force, but he wasn't done. "Because I'm an enemy of you? Of your Government? The Government that lets an entire country go to ruin and experiments on children?" he snarled and she had to roll to the side. Damn her stupidly weak body! She had been so sure the gap between them was closing.

"As if you give a damn about any of that!"

He backed up, even went so far as to sheathe his sword. "You're right, Glasses, I don't give a fuck about any of that. You do."

The tip of Shigure hovered above the ground.  _ That _ was the gap between them? He didn't even need his swords to land the finishing blow. How did anyone ever think he was stupid? His jabs were so precise, he had to be some form of genius. Or maybe it was just cruelty. The reports on that were right at least. Roronoa Zoro was a monster. A demon. A devil even. Because that's what they did, right? Torture souls with their own shortcomings?

"It's eating you from the inside, isn't it? That I do more good just because I'm not shackled by corrupt rules of a corrupt government?"

Shigure was trembling with her rage and she absolutely loathed him for making her this emotional. It was no use, she'd always been below him, hadn't she? "Fuck you, Roronoa," she repeated while sheathing Shigure. She meant it too, with him standing there all high and mighty, making her feel his superiority with every breath She left. She knew that the reports on his directional issues were true for a fact and hoped it would help her this one time at least. Was she running away? Maybe. But, for the life of her, she could not stand him for one more second. His proximity. The effortless power that was just radiating off him even when he was calm. The truth in his words. That truth that cut deeper than any of his blades ever could. 

Yes, the government is corrupt, and, yes, she is working for it, and… she hated him for being a good man. She had to admit it. He had never lied to her and the humiliation she suffered at his hands she only ever suffered because she had been wrong about everything. Because she assumed, like a stupid little girl– Because she thought herself to be better than–

No, there was no use in going there. Not if she wanted her sanity to stay intact.

But… she and Smoker, their entire deal was to rise through the ranks in order to change the world from the top. And she will succeed. As tempting as his freedom was, it did nothing on the grand scale. But… Alabasta… slave trade… Wano… their way was quicker that's for sure. So much quicker. 

"Oi, oi, Glasses," he called out to her, even though she could have sworn that she had lost him two blocks away, when she had continued straight while he did a sharp 180 degree turn.

"Leave me alone, Pirate, you won."

He scoffed at her side, "Wasn't trying to win."

Of course, he wasn't… salt into her wounds. "Right, a win against me wouldn't mean anything. I'm just a weak woman after all," she bit out, old wounds all the way from Loguetown ripping open.

"Oh fuck off, you know that's not true."

She stopped in her tracks and turned around, almost,  _ almost,  _ stumbling right into him. The nerve of that pirate! 

"I would very much appreciate it if you at least left me my dignity and stopped lying to me. You said so yourself, I am beneath you, so stop this… whatever it is you think you're doing," she seethed and she felt hot fury rise in her blood at his clueless expression and he had the damn audacity to grin at her! 

"Ya, you are beneath me in skill and strength, but I'm pretty damn strong, so that really doesn't make you weak, Glasses."

What the? No, no, no! Who did he-

He sighed. Plopped down on a bench in front of the local pub they'd come to stand before. What- Just what was his game?

"I know you're frustrated," he said. His voice calm and level, serious all of a sudden, and it really was the only thing that kept her from turning on her heels and leaving him there.

"Why wouldn't I be? I fought so hard to get where I am, for what I want, only to find out that piracy might have gotten me there faster and better. You and your captain, your crew… Do you have any idea how hard you make me question my beliefs every time we meet?" Stupid, stupid mouth. What was she doing admitting this to him? And completely sober, too. He was her enemy, he had no business knowing what doubts she had! What she had done! Again! 

It wasn't true. And Tashigi had a feeling they both knew it. He was no enemy. "I just feel so powerless," she sighed, "I'm sick of it." She also hated how stupidly easy he was to talk to. Like in Loguetown, or the one time they had gotten drunk together because their captains had been in critical condition, or because they had been celebrating children's rescue from a secret government lab. It was way too easy to fall back into this weird camaraderie. Too tempting because it was just too nice. 

"Being powerless isn't all that bad," he said, and she could hear he meant it, voice low and serious. Easy for him to say. 

"Is that what you tell yourself when you get lost?" she griped, but he only scoffed. Yeah, she knew that's not what he meant. In fact, she knew exactly what he meant. Figured he also knew this wasn't only about her hangups about what side they were on. He was making her an offer. "I'm off duty for the rest of the week," she acquiesced even while her fists balled on her thighs.

"The Log Pose will take three more days," he said.

That would give them two nights. More than enough, even with how much stress she had accommodated over the last months. She couldn't help the joyless, bitter chuckle. In retrospect, she had no idea how she had managed without it for as long as she had. How their weird mock fights had ever been enough. Quite pathetic for a Marine to rely on a pirate like that, wasn't it?

"Won't they worry where you are?"

He laughed, that loud, hearty laugh that made him look a lot less menacing and a lot younger. "They'll just think I'm lost. They always do."

Always. Every time he was out and about… she was a bit jealous of that. Not that he couldn't do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted. It was the fact that he could. He didn't have to worry about his reputation, about what sinful little details would make it back to his employer. Damn that freedom again. She'd tried to find someone else. Someone who just knew her that well. Someone who’d have no qualms using all those weak spots. Someone who could get under her skin like he did. Someone who'd prod her weaknesses like he did. Someone she could trust with her dirty secrets as she could him. The irony of finding all that in a pirate wasn't lost on her. 

"You have a room?" he asked and she nodded. 

"I've rented a cabin in the mountains for some quiet self-reflection. Didn't know you'd be here."

He was quiet for a bit and she didn't quite know what to make of it. Usually his silence was rather vocal.

"I've seen the paper," he finally said.

Oh. Well, that did save her some explaining. She nodded. "I have a medical kit up there," she explained. Knew it was enough for him to understand.

"Idiot," he scoffed, "you know you shouldn't be doing that on your own, especially not where nobody would find you before it's too late in case you fuck up. And don't get all flustered and bitchy again, the whole fucking world knows you're a damn klutz!" There was anger in his voice and she was really trying to be too, but she just couldn’t answer in kind.. he was right after all. It would have been stupid trying to do it herself… the underlying worry did flatter her a bit, though. Stupid, filthy pirate with that good heart of his. 

"There's an outdoor bath, too."

He nodded and stretched, before getting up. “I'll see you there," he said with a yawn, "Now I'll have to find the girls, they dragged me along to be their mule and then just wandered off," he grumbled and she had an inkling that it might have been the other way round.

A hand sprouted from his chest, and it made her gasp in surprise and sudden realization, dread maybe, but he was completely undisturbed.

"Roronoa, does she know?" she demanded. She did trust him to keep her secrets, which was bad enough, but Nico Robin? That was a completely different thing. He shrugged, completely unperturbed by her sudden panic.

"Ah, probably? I mean it's what she does, knowing things… don't worry about it, Glasses," he said, walking off into the direction the disembodied hand decidedly did  _ not _ point to, and was halted by about ten new hands clutching at his legs to keep him in place. A frown deepened on his face. "I know how to go places, woman, for fuck's sake!" he exclaimed but was answered by yet another arm growing from his shoulder for a condescending pat on his head and even more arms growing to drag the colourfully cursing pirate in the right direction.

Tashigi took a deep breath. The fact that Nico Robin had only interfered after their talk was done led her to believe that she must have listened in. The fact that he hadn't been bothered and the fact that she trusted him made her decide to trust the woman, too. What she really, really couldn't come to terms with was just… how in the world had she ended up relying this much on an idiot like him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, please consider a kudos or a comment. I take every feedback you have, just be cordial, that's all I ask. I'm new to ZoTash and I'm obviously not a professional writer, so if you have feedback to help me grow as a writer I would appreciate that. If you have at any point of this fic questions about the things happening between the two, and my end note doesn't answer them, do not hesitate to ask me, comment or discord or twitter (in my profile). Let's not give misconceptions a chance!
> 
> Anyways, first of all a huge thank you to [lunamars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunnamars/pseuds/lunamars) for inviting me into their little ZoTash circle and all of them for inspiring and motivating me to write for the ship (even though I'm still convinced they aren't aware of the can of worms they opened here)  
> As always thanks to Ghost for holding my hand through everything and Oh my god, I can't thank [nntssy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nntssy/pseuds/nntssy) enough for betareading! This would be an absolute mess without them!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After running into each other in town last chapter it is now time for them meet and get down to business, but since we have two more or less responsible adults, this chapter is mainly preparation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Glad you made it this far! Now, if you're unfamiliar with my other works you might be a bit confused by the name dropping in the first paragraph, but worry not, this is easily explained. Since the Strawhats don't do any actual Pirating, they have to earn money somehow, so they all kinda have some business running by now, they are kinda famous after all. 
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is pretty much harmless, there will be reference to some cruelty bot nothing live and Tashigi wallowing in self hatred... also Robin makes another entry, but I guarantee you this is NOT a Zorobin fic, you're pretty much safe here... I guess.

He was late. Of course he was late. She had gone through her preparations three times already. She had scrubbed the floor, laid out the waxed sheets for easy cleaning afterwards. Three bundles of prepared rope, because she didn’t know what he’d need. Safety shears she knew he definitely wouldn’t need. The rest of the lotion he’d brought last time and a fresh bottle of disinfectant, the medical kit, two extra wraps of gauze, and some extra compresses. A basin of fresh water on the small heater and clean cloths for cleaning her up afterwards. Two bottles of Dr Chopper's and two Curly nutrition bars with salty cashew flavour for her and one bottle of sake for him. She had gone through her list three times and he still hadn’t shown up. 

She wasn’t even good enough for a pirate and she couldn’t even blame him. He had read the article, he had said, and she knew that, monster or not, he would not cut down the innocent. He had morals, like her, but he had the control to live by them. Pathetic. Deep breath, Tashigi. The little bit of relief her earlier humiliation at his hands had brought her was long gone and the crushing force of the injustice she had dealt had come back full force. 

She was a hypocrite. A god damn fucking hypocrite and the system celebrated her for it. 

“Stupid, fucking, wandering forests!” she heard from outside. It was admittedly equally annoying as it was calming that he’d always arrive right when she needed him. Right when everything was too much, right when she’d decided to hurt herself to make the pain go away, like he had done for her before. He threw open the door with a bang and a few more curses, and she left the bedroom to meet him in the hallway.

He was a mess, sticks and leaves sticking from his hair as if he had camped out in the foliage… Wandering forests… she shook her head, she was really going to put her body and her sanity in that man’s hands… again… 

“Fufufufu, after he was wandering through a very much _not_ wandering forest for an hour, I took the liberty to bring him to you, Captain-san,” Nico Robin said before materializing in a whirl of petals. Oh great. “You didn’t seem to be in too good of a mood earlier in town, so I figured the sooner you got your… fix, the better,” she continued, not even bothering to look at her while she picked half a forest from his hair and clothes, all the while he just stood there oddly compliant. What was up with those two? 

“I’ve been told you’re uncomfortable with me knowing about your little arrangement. There’s no need. I can see why you wouldn’t trust me, but this lost child here is my family and very important to me, I won’t do anything against his will. Considering the nature of your relationship I assume you can trust him enough to believe that. I am Nico Robin, but I am also a Strawhat,” the female pirate explained with a smile that didn’t put her at ease at all. 

“You’re not making this any better, woman, and stop calling me that,” he grumbled at her, and she laughed in response. This wasn’t the hard woman she had met in Alabasta. Could she trust in that? She had never thought that infamous Pirate Hunter from the East Blue could be the man standing there before her with an indignant pout on his face while his Nakama picked leaves from his hair, either. She could probably trust that, couldn’t she? That, at least, Roronoa liked her enough that he would be upset if she was hung for fornicating with a pirate and Nico Robin would not do that to him? Yeah, she probably could.

Another smile on Nico Robin’s lips, pleased, she’d say. 

“I’ll be leaving you two to your own devices now. Shall I get you in the morning or when we set sail?” Nico Robin asked and she could feel the blood rise to her cheeks. What was she doing, putting them on the spot like that? It never took that long. It– His grey eye found hers, and all the fluster and horror that had just started to bubble up died away. She understood the silent question and the promise in his stare. Did she need the two nights? Did she want him there for as long as it would take? He’d be there if she wanted. She didn’t know. She really really didn’t. She shouldn’t.

“I’ll find you when I’m done,” he finally said, and she was grateful that he didn’t make her say it, that Nico Robin accepted the answer without question and just disappeared, the foliage and a few petals the only thing remaining of her presence.

She sighed. “I really don’t know what to make of her,” she admitted.

“She just likes messing with people, she’s a good person,” he assured her, and she believed him. “Where’s the bath?” 

Right, focus. It was a good thing that bath was part of their process, he really was in no shape to play, filthy as he was. She led the way to the backdoor, keeping her haki trained on him lest he got lost in the straight hallway. Feeling him right behind her, she unbuttoned her blouse in the small foreroom. It was a bit weird how normal it felt now. Undressing in front of him. Whereas she’d been a spluttering blushing mess the first time. Now she hated to admit that she had been intimidated by the women he surrounded himself with. She had heard what the men in the barracks said, what kind of pictures they had in their bunks, what their ideal woman was. Hina, Boa, Nico Robin, Nami? Well, she didn’t have the luxury to rely on a devil fruit or some magic wand for power. Her strength came from her body, so she trained it, and he hadn’t been her first, but showing that body of hers always brought those thoughts to the very forefront of her mind. She’d long since given up on the notion of finding love and having a family and all those little girl dreams. She was not a relationship material. She was not soft, she was not around, she had made a sacrifice for getting to where she was, and the only problem she had with that was… was that she failed at it. 

He’d helped her to get over that blushing awkwardness quick enough. This bath was not sexual for him, it didn’t matter that they were naked and touched. The bath was to make her comfortable and to get them in the right mind. When they had dried themselves off, he still had not cared to look at her, she had realized that he did not care what her body looked like, not yet. But when they had been done with it all, when he had rubbed her abused skin with the unscented lotion, wiped her blood and dressed her wounds, when the massage had changed to caress, then he had looked at her in a way that told her that he was enjoying it, that hard body of hers, was appreciating it, even. It had made her blush for a completely different reason. But at this stage? Undressing in front of him came easy. She held the door open for him, shuddering at the sudden cold of the outside air, and hesitated for just a moment when she felt his reassuring heat at her back. Ever so carefully she stepped out on the stony floor. As much as she enjoyed this bathing ritual, she did not want to prove him right. She would not trip and fulfill his prophecy from two years ago, she would not!

He did not mock her by reminding her, though, just sat down on the tiny stool she had prepared and washed himself in silence, knowing that there would be no time for him to do so after the bath, as would be traditional. No, after the bath, he'd wash her. And while she'd already be emotionally raw and small, his big hands on her would make her even smaller, even weaker… and still it would only be a fraction of how vulnerable he'd have her later.

Like always, he allowed her to wash his back his back, that was just like hers, all hard planes and corded muscle. She appreciated the gesture. This sign of trust as a trade for how much she would have to trust him later. Her soapy hands stopped over that one big scar on his lower back. Brighter than the others. Buggy, he had told her, unashamed. Had gotten it, trying to save Luffy. He wasn’t ashamed of the others either, all the tiny crisscrosses, the jagged, gnarly lines. He had protected all his crew in exchange for them. From Kuma. There was a good chance he’d never understand how much it meant to her that he trusted her with this knowledge, she probably couldn’t have progressed if he hadn’t. Maybe he did know. He knew a lot of things.

After she rinsed off the soap he led her to the steaming pond. Sitting in the hot water he gathered her up in his strong embrace, that told her loud and clear that she didn’t have to be strong anymore. 

“Speak,” he said, and she knew it was an order. An order she’d have to follow if she wanted the sweet relief of a clean conscience that ironically only this filthy pirate could grant her.

She told him everything. About the pirate crew they had tracked. How they had found them on their homebase island. About the heated battle that had ensued and the one horrible moment that had almost cost her sanity. The murderous intent behind her, her battle-honed body reacting to a threat, the horror, the desperate cries of both the young boy before her blade and the pirate begging for her to spare the child. She could not, her brain had only realized the mistake when blood already splattered from the young mouth, while Shigure had cut clean through cloth and skin, and flesh, and bone. She had stood there, staring into the horrified eyes of a boy, maybe 10 years of age, as the light was leaving them forever. She told him how she had not been able to rip her blade free from the corpse to defend herself against the raging pirate. How she had been happy to accept this punishment, but Smoker had stopped him. 

“He wasn’t even… He had just been a boy, that had been treated kindly by the pirate, this boy had been protecting a friend, he hadn’t even known he was a pirate and I–” she cried against his chest, “I–”

“Say it.” 

“I killed an innocent boy,” she cried against him, “I killed him in cold blood, he didn’t even have a weapon, and I killed him! He was innocent!” She wasn’t even sure if he understood any of her words, if she made any sense at all, any coherent sentences, as her heart tore anew. “Everything I stand for, everything I wanted–” She didn’t even care about the snot she rubbed on him. “The mother... when it was over... Oh gods, the mother–”

His grip around her tightened as her whole body shook. “Gods, that poor woman!” The sorrow, the disdain in her gaze! It would haunt her for as long as the boy’s last gurgling breaths. How could she call herself a Marine if she killed the innocent she had sworn to protect? How could she live with herself?

“They praised me, Roronoa, they fucking praised me for it. For killing an innocent boy!” she cried, smacking a fist against his pecs, “Collateral, they said, and maybe worse – the next generation pirate scum!”

How could she… how did one move on from that? She would have deserved to die by that pirate’s blade. She would have deserved it, but they praised her.

“They should have thrown me out, court-martialed me, tied me to a stake to starve, and they fucking praised me, Roronoa!”

His chest rumbled under her in a chuckle, a hint of a warning before the hand, that had pet her head in consolation, fisted in her hair to pull her back, to force her gaze on his.

“It’s fine, Captain. I’ll make sure you get the punishment you deserve,” he promised, and, for the first time in weeks, for the first time since that incident, she felt true relief, maybe even a hint of justice. He will. He always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! Now if you read my other works you know the drill, it's time for a little **BDSM 101**. I know nothing really happened yet, but that prepwork in the beginning of the chapter is important. BDSM is nothing you just spring on your partner and do spontaneously, things can be dangerous and both parties need to educate themselves. Now for these two that happened long ago. They went through extensive negotiations of what they are comfortable with and what doesn't go at all. Hard limits are established and will be respected.  
> What Tashigi prepares is for safety and Aftercare. You lose a lot of fluids and energy, sugary drinks or electrolytes should be ready and snacks. (No alcohol, obviously but we all know Zoro is an alcoholic and it's more of a thank you gift than actual aftercare) I'll go into detail with the rope next chapter.
> 
> Now a completely new series: **Japanese Bathing etiquette 101**  
>  If you have a Rotenburo like here, an hot outside bath, you take your bath and wash afterwards, because there can always be leaves etc in the water. I took liberties for the sake of the story here. 
> 
> In case I forgot to mention anything or you think I missed some tags, please don't hesitate to tell me.  
>  Like last time a huge thank you to [nntssy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nntssy/pseuds/nntssy) for beta reading
> 
> **Next time** Things will get heavy. It's totally fine if you're uncomfortable with that, I will put a non-bloody summary of the chapter on ffn, but if you do decide to read and didn't go through the step by step introduction of [Shôganai](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14560110/chapters/33643965), please don't forget to read the Note at the end.  
> And now be so kind to leave a kudos or a comment to let me know how I'm doing with this ship, see you some time next week!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time we set the stage. Both are nice and ready, there is rope (yeah, that's one thing you need a stupid, fucking rope for!), there's medical supplies and snacks for afterwards, now we just kinda need to get to the "afterwards". Let the punishment begin... or... coping.. whatever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Glad you're here, **I very much hope you are mature enough to look at the tags and decide for yourself if you're up for this chapter. It's going to be bloody, it's going to hurt body and soul. If you don't want to read it, you can find the summary[here](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13587317/3/Scars-On-The-Back).**  
> I know there's no negotiations but everything you're going to read is consensual

"Same rules as last time?"

"Yes," she answered standing in the middle of the laid out wax paper. He was dressed again, his earlier show of vulnerability had no business here. 

"You prepared well," he praised, eye darting up to the hook in the ceiling. Of course, she had, she hadn't known she'd have his help after all. Not at first, and no matter what he might make of her plans, she had not planned to kill herself.

"Hands," he demanded, voice flat, betraying nothing of his usual over-the-top emotions whenever they'd clash in the streets – this impulsiveness didn't belong here. He was in control, and it was good because hers was slipping. Had been slipping for quite a while, but now it was tangible, with every flick of rope around her wrists. When he hooked her hands above her head, she was grateful for the relaxing heat of their earlier bath and the massage he'd given her when washing her scarred back, even though she knew she didn't deserve this luxury. Nobody would be prepared like that in Impel Down, none of the people hanging from the ceilings would still have floor under their feet, they'd just be left to slowly suffocate from their bodies’ weight tearing at their lungs and go insane from the pain of popping sinew and ripping muscle. 

Roronoa was kind to her, the soft feathery touch to her hands that made her fingers twitch, just to make sure the rope wasn't suppressing any blood vessels or nerves. She deserved none of that for what she'd done. If he took her hands, she wouldn't be able to murder again, would she?

"Safeword?"

"No," she denied. Another kindness she didn't deserve. He kicked her feet from under her, her hands instinctively clawing into the rope before she managed to scramble back up. 

"Safeword," he demanded this time.

"Glasses," she bit out and got a low hum in response.

"There, wasn't that hard now, was it, Captain?" Yes, it was, and he knew it too. He left her limited sight, kept quiet just long enough for her nerves to tingle in alarm and for her mind to drift and try to cope with the cold and loneliness he left her with. The guilt and self-hatred. Long enough for her agitated soul to be caught unawares by the melodic  _ shing  _ of his blade unsheathing. 

She could feel it. The sadistic glee of the cursed sword, how it hungered for her blood. Like  _ he _ did.

"The boy. Anyone else?" he asked, rough fingers trailing over the seven scars on her back, all made by him. She gave a court nod. 

"A man, I pushed him away while pursuing a target. Hit his head and..."

"And?"

She couldn't. He knew the worst already! Wasn't that enough? Did he have to bri– She yelped, jumped in her restraints at the sharp slap of his blade across her bottom, almost losing her footing, but he was there. Pulling her straight with a fist in her hair and a shin against her knees. He pulled her head back, leering down on her.

"You do not shake your head at me. How can you atone if you don't confess? How very Marine of you, Captain," he snarled with all the contempt she deserved. "Now," he said letting go of her hair, "that innocent man hit his head and…?"

She hung her head in shame, leaned further into the ropes holding her upright. "Hit his head and died," she admitted, "the Navy paid the family off with a one-time payment."

His laugh was filled with cruel humour. "A one-time payment? And how the fuck are they going to make it past the winter, Captain?" he asked, her title more mockery than any name-calling ever could be.

"I don't know," she sobbed. More even than back in the bath. 

He scoffed. "Of course you don't, they won't make it. How big is the family? Wife and child? All on your fucking tab, Captain. Running around all high and mighty with your pretty little Navy coat," he taunted, heavy boots thumping with every step he made around her, Kitetsu's bloodlust licking at her as he let it scrape over her skin. "Thinking you're better than us because you wear justice on your back." 

He came to stand in front of her, tip of the blade scratching along her stomach, between her breasts until it came to rest under her chin, lifting her head so she'd meet his gaze. She could almost taste the disgust in it. Rightfully so – she was detestable. "You don't deserve that fucking coat. You're a hypocrite. Preaching justice, and yet you’ve killed a man and an innocent little boy. Again."

The tip of the blade fell from her chin, making room for calloused fingers to painfully dig into her cheeks. "Preaching that you're better than me, and yet I haven't killed any innocent person, have I? I don't have a headcount carved onto my back. I earned those scars by protecting. You're a fucking disgrace, to call yourself a swordsman." 

He stepped away. Left her cold. He was right. What right did she have to carry those words on her back when they only covered up the detestable truth?

"Two innocent people are dead because of you, maybe more. What fucking right do you have to still be alive?" 

None! None at all! It should have been her! It really should have!

"Despicable."

"Yes!" she sobbed. She was! How very much!

"Hypocrite."

"I am!"

"Safeword?"

"Glasses."

"Good," he praised, and it made her believe that not all was lost for her, that just maybe she could atone for her sins. 

A sudden rush of cold down her back made her jump in her restraints, the sharp smell of alcohol biting her nose, burning her eyes. 

"Fucking lucky I enjoy your pain as much as I do, or I'd fucking take your head right now. You deserve to die at the hands of a filthy pirate, for what you did, don't you, Captain?"

"Yes, I do," she cried and sobbed. Of course, she did! She'd killed pirates for less! It would only be fair to end like that. How abominable she was!

Cold blade against her back had her muscles tense in defense. It just rested there, and she knew, despite the almost oppressing bloodlust it exuded, it would not part her skin unless he willed it.

"Which one first?" he asked

"The boy," she answered without hesitation, wanted to be present for it.

"Safeword?"

"Glasses."

The blade pressed harder. "Ya feel that, Captain? Not cutting you. If you were just half the swordsman I am, you would have been able to spare the kid," he snarled, "but you aren't."

She gasped when she felt the burn of alcohol seething into the shallow cut. 

"You're just a pathetic, weak little wannabe," his voice almost a chuckle, as the blade pressed deeper, with the same dark glee, and she ground her teeth in a desperate attempt to endure, but it hurt. It burned. Curse titillating raw nerves and... make it stop.  _ Please, please make it stop! _

"What was that?" he asked, not lessening the pressure of his blade.

"It hurts," she cried, "Please, stop." She begged, but he laughed at her, angling it just to cut a little deeper.

"Oh, it hurts? Ya think it's gonna stop hurting the boy's mother just because she wants it to?" he asked dragging the cursed blade across her skin, his arm circling around her waist as she craned to get away from the pain, the burn, the– 

"Please stop, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please," she begged of him, pleaded, even though she knew he would never grant her mercy, not like this. Instead, the metal dug its path across her skin, paving the way for the disinfectant to burn the open flesh, while the curse was devouring her soul. 

"Did you stop your blade when they begged for mercy?" he asked, and the will to fight left her. Her body was going limp on his arm as his sword was carving a reminder of her shame in her back. She hadn't stopped her blade, he shouldn't either. She screamed through the pain until her vocal cords were raw and almost hurt as much as her back. Inch after agonizing inch, and she saw the boy's horrified eyes, her screams morphing into his.

He'd made it halfway down her back when the world started to slip away. When all she could hear over the roaring in her ears was the constant  _ drip-drip-drip _ of her own blood falling on the waxed sheets and her own ragged breathing. When the burn of her back was finally enough to lessen the burn of her soul. 

_ Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me. _

He wouldn't. Not before he hadn't made her pay for the atrocities she had committed. Even as she was begging and crying, he was standing firmly behind her as his blade got its fill of carnage and he got drunk on her misery.

The rope she was clinging to… the hilt of Shigure instead. The boy's terrified wide eyes. A strangled shout somewhere behind her. The child’s mouth open in terror, but…it was already too late. No begging for mercy. No time for any of the torturous images and sounds her guilty mind had made her believe. The intent behind her, her body whirling around, the sword in her hand burying into the flesh before her eyes had even seen the child. Happened too fast.

Air pressed out of her lungs, her fingers around the rope relaxed, as she trusted in his knot and his arm around her waist to keep her up. "Not my fault," she breathed out.

“Again.”

“It wasn’t my fault! It was an accident,” she cried. Cried it out as loud as she still could and he stepped away from her with a grunt, the blade in her back slipping away in almost a soft caress. He stepped around her, came to stand in front of her, just close enough, so she could see him with her miserable eyesight. 

“An accident, huh?” he asked. “And you still paid for it.”

Her eyes darting to the tip of the cursed blade, hovering over the floor, her blood dripping, running in tiny rivulets… Her back was tingling. The blood was running, dripping, down her butt, her thighs, on the floor. Another deep breath. The weight on her shoulders lightened.

“I deserved it,” she said, and he nodded, flicking the cursed blade to splatter her blood across the room because he didn’t care about the cleaning afterwards. 

“You did,” he agreed, a lot more impassive and a lot less euphoric than earlier, just like the ecstatic thrill of the blade had ebbed to a low content hum.

“I did,” she repeated, vague hint of a smile tugging at her lips, while her knees went weak with relief. She’d paid, it had been an accident. She couldn’t have done anything different. She’d paid. He was there before she could sag in her bounds, arm around her, mindful of the fresh wound as he pressed her weak body against his. 

He was hot, searing almost, and she was vaguely aware that she was wet with sweat and blood, but it didn’t matter. His heat was soothing. Calming. 

“You still owe that man and his family,” he said against her damp hair, “can you go on?”

No. Deep breath. She loved his scent. Green tea and spice. Cloves, too, but both of them carried that smell, came with their shared passion. “Yes,” she answered, body tensing, readying to stand on her own again.

“Safeword?”

“Glasses.”

He stepped back with an appreciative hum, hand that had held her was softly trailing off before he walked around her again. She gasped and jumped when he dumped the disinfectant over her again.

It was easier this time. Slipping from her hull. The sharp press of his blade was granting her the focus she had lacked while looking back. Street was busy, she was screaming for people to get out of the way. Eyes fixed on the bright purple hair in front of her. Townsfolk mingling, wandering in her way, despite her desperate cries. The slick crack that stopped her in her tracks. “Not my fault,” she sobbed. She’d done everything she could have.

“Not my fault.”

“Still you paid.”

“I deserved it.”

“You did.”

“I did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you come from Shôganai, you know the drill. 
> 
> **BDSM 101**
> 
> Before you engage in any form of BDSM you should always take great care to educate yourself on the matter, it is not enough that your partner knows what they are doing, no matter if you’re on the receiving end or not, you are just as responsible as your partner. And you never know how much research your partner really did, or if they are having your best interest in mind.  
> After you got your information, you talk. You negotiate. What do you want, what do they want. These things happened between Zoro and Tashigi long ago, that’s why I’m not talking about it now. If any of their hard limits had changed, they would have said so. 
> 
> Generally speaking you shouldn't use any BDSM for actual punishment, sure 24/7 arrangements are a thing but you should keep it playtime only, you don't want lines to get blurry.  
> Keep always in mind that the body is not the only thing that can take damage. BDSM can make you, Dom or sub, raw and vulnerable and if you are ill prepared what was supposed to be freeing and positive can turn into a real nightmare with loads of therapy sessions.
> 
> **Physical Safety**  
>  _Rope_  
>  Do not hang people just from their hands, you don’t want to tear anything. Tashigi's weight is still held by her legs  
> Examples for general safety: check your rope before playing; know how to free your sub at any time, have some safety shears on hand that can actually cut the rope you use. Rope can be easily replaced, trust and limbs not so much; talk, it's rather painful if the rope compresses a nerve, just millimetres can be the difference between agony and pleasure; check for numbness, the sub won't notice restricted blood flow, that's the Dom's responsibility. 
> 
> _Cutting_  
>  Um… Don’t do this. If you can't control the sharpness of your weapon of choice at will, which you can't because you aren't a fictional character with superpowers, do not put your blade anywhere near major arteries. Do not cut where nerves are running close to the surface either and far far away from anything even remotely vital. Read read read read. Learn first aid. Hygiene. Honestly there is so much that I can't possibly address all of it here.
> 
> **Just keep in mind that this is fiction and that I do take liberties with the safety because of that. If you want to try any form of BDSM, read literature, as many sources as you can find, Talk to a[physician](https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage). I'm not responsible for anything**
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'd love to hear your opinion in a comment (by now you should know that I take them as they come, Good or Bad), if any of this confused you or disturbed you or you just feel like you need to talk about it, my info is in my profile. If I forgot some tags, let me know. Thanks to [Konfuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/konfuse) for tagging help and testreading And if you think I missed something in this ridiculously long note, please tell me too and I'll add it! Thanks to nntssy for beta reading, she helped a ton!
> 
> Next up: Aftercare


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time Tashigi worked through some painful problems with painful methods, now it's time for aftercare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Glad you made it this far. This Chapter is actually kinda important for me because in fiction it is often dismissed or overlooked and it really shouldn't be.

She fell into his arms when he loosened the knot holding her arms towards the ceiling, well aware that she wouldn’t have to worry about any kinks or soreness because he would take care of all that. It was nice. Apart from her own sanity, she knew she didn’t have to be responsible for much in this. She didn’t have to obey any ridiculous rules she couldn’t agree with, didn’t have to worry about the image she had to uphold, didn’t have to worry about stigma or prejudice. In these hours they had together, he’d just be whatever she needed him to be.

He led her to the bed, hands awkwardly holding her arms trying to account for both, her stumbling steps and the open wounds on her back. The sheets were soft and soothing against her body but not quite enough to make up for the cold and loss she felt at his retreat. Even though she knew where he was going. Could hear deliberately heavy steps made towards the heated basin of clean water she had prepared, the rustling of his robe and the dull thud with which the fabric landed on the floor. She didn't fight the relieved sigh when she felt the mattress sink to allow for his heavy body, when she felt him kneel over her cooling frame. The damp cloth warmed her skin and took the burn. He didn't say anything as he was wiping her down, but he didn't have to. He couldn't either – both of them needed the silence.

The deaths were on her hands, but she wasn't at fault. She'd done the best she could… couldn't feel responsible for them. She could see that now.

"Ready?" he asked, and she knew it was time for the part she hated most. She gave a court nod, and her back danced in flames instantly.

"I hate this," she ground through gritted teeth, and he chuckled above her. 

"Would have thought you'd get used to pain at some point, are you this whiny with your doctors too?" he teased absolutely undisturbed in his cleaning of her wounds. Was it ridiculous that she was still surprised with how good he was with that? After all those times they had together?

"Not everyone can get off on the pain like you do, pirate," she shot back, fully aware of the irony that he, surprisingly enough, had the decency to ignore and instead focused on taping the gauze to her back. He moved over her and finally untied the rope around her wrists. She was lucky she had him, she realised as he took care to examine each hand for potential damage, rubbed lotion onto the red welts to ease the dull pain that she very much preferred over the sharp sting down her back. Though, that wasn't quite right. She'd known for a while that he was a good partner for this. He'd proven it the very first time they had indulged in this. She barely even felt guilty anymore. This was a new realization. He was a good guy, the whole crew was. Their only fault was the flag they insisted to sail under. Funny how she'd come to feel closer to pirates than the Navy. It had been hard in the beginning and had involved a lot of drunken nights with Smoker first, and then Coby and Garp. It was fine now. 

She sighed. She really had no business freaking out over Nico Robin knowing, when Smoker had granted her leave of absence with the order to 'find her man', and she was pretty sure he knew who 'her man' was... Damn, it had to be convenient to have 'their man' close. Smoker wouldn't risk Hina's life by reaching out to her. Meanwhile, she was stuck with a guy she couldn't even contact if she needed him. She could only hope that his weird ability to just randomly run into her would coincide with her times of need.

His rough hands dug into her stiff shoulders making her moan against her will, but even that she had stopped caring about. That he could play her like an instrument. All the things she had cried and sobbed to him about? Moaning at the best massages she'd ever gotten really wasn't her problem if he ever decided to turn against her, which he wouldn't. If there was one thing she'd learned about Roronoa Zoro by now, it was that he was loyal to a fault. He'd take all her dirty little secrets to his grave if it came down to it.

"You'll see a doctor for the big one. Law is cl–"

"No way I'm having him treat me. Have you lost your mind?" she interrupted, jumping as much from the mattress as she could with him sitting over her lower back. She'd come to trust his crew, the former Shichibukai was a completely different matter entirely

"Captain," he drawled lowly, a warning she understood very much. He hadn't dropped his role completely just yet. "You will see him. He knows about this shit, and he will keep his mouth shut," he ended.

"I'm a Marine, I don't need any other pirates to know about this!" she argued, but this time with less enthusiasm, less of a fight.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Law knows, he saw the same ropeburn I did on that fucked up island, and he is smart," he said, voice slowly losing its earlier edge as he continued to press through the knots in her muscles. He was right, she guessed, if Law indeed  _ knew shit, _ like he claimed, he would know how to interpret the marks he'd seen on her skin on Punk Hazard. Had she known what an absolute clusterfuck this mission would have turned out to be, she'd have put her little experiment off until after...but even with Law knowing, no rumours about masochistic Navy captain's had reached her ears so far, and it's been months. Still...

"I don't like him," she admitted but he scoffed.

"Oh, and why's that? 'Cuz he insulted you by calling you weak? We both know it would be more of an insult if we sugar-coated it for you  _ because you're a woman _ . I don't give a rat's ass about your gender and neither does he. And for what it’s worth, Law relies too much on his devil fruit, if it was just swordsmanship, you’d wipe the fucking floor with his scrawny ass.”

“How would you know?”, she laughed.

“Don’t fucking ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to, Glasses,” he grunted with a final brush over her shoulders before rolling off her to lie on the bed next to her, just smacking the closed first aid kit and all their other stuff on the floor without another thought. Their chef was right, he was a barbarian.

But he made a point, she better word it right, no need to delve too deep into his private life, nothing good could come from that. “Do you cut him too? Law?” she asked instead, and he laughed, making the bed jump under her. 

“His first mate is a fucking teddy bear. If Law feels down, he gets cuddles,” he explained to her, tone dead serious now, but it brought a bubbly laugh from her own lungs, even though she couldn’t help but wince at the tug of her fresh wounds.

“You’re kidding, right.”

“Just a little, that navigator  _ is _ fluffy as fuck,” he kept joking and lifted his arm to let her scoot close and cuddle in his side. Green tea and spice beckoning her like light would a moth.

“Stop it,” she laughed, and he did, his hand awkwardly brushing her hair as she could feel the seriousness engulf him.

“Law copes with ink,” he said, and she knew she wouldn’t get any more information than that. That ink part quite obvious if you looked at the man, and the only thing others close to him would feel comfortable sharing. Because they were loyal and honourable. Something she now, unfortunately, could say about more pirates than Marines she knew. 

With his free hand, he threw the comforter over both of them, and she melted into the warmth. She knew that he had to be using his Observation Haki on her with how incredibly in tune he was with her, and still it surprised her every time he reacted before she even felt the need herself. She didn't care about this seeming invasion of privacy, not like she had before, and especially not when he handed her a bottle of Dr Chopper's and one of her nutrition bars. She emptied the bottle greedily, and neither of them cared about the drops she dripped down her chin or his chest. The comforting taste of both almost made her forget how morally questionable it probably was to send your presumed fuckbuddy to check in with another… whatever they even were to each other. 

"I'll ask Franky and Nami for a set of snails with a secure line," he broke the comfortable silence between them, and she almost choked on the nutrition bar before she looked up to him, could see the muscle in his jaw working, clenching.

She didn't ask why. She knew… but still. "I can't accept tha–"

"Shut up, Glasses, that's not up for discussion. If we hadn't run into each other, you'd be bleeding out on the fucking floor right now," he argued, hand closing in a vice grip around her arm that told her – he really didn't like that mental image. "You refuse to find someone else. Ya think it'll get better? Tough fucking luck, Glasses. While you rise the ranks you'll see and have to do fucked up shit. Things will get worse before you get even anywhere near a position where you can fucking change things. If you don't leave the Navy, you will accept the fucking snail, and you will call me if you need me."

He meant every word, and she knew he was right. It would get worse. A lot worse. 

"Thank you," she said, and his grip loosened, hand falling on her hip to draw lazy circles instead. She knew their bloody meetings brought actual satisfaction to him, that he didn't only agree to her plea for punishment to temporarily appease the madness of his blade. But to actually make an offer like this? It was almost touching.

She pressed closer in the vague hope that his strong heartbeat against her ribs would somehow lessen the dull throb that was taking over her back. Once or twice, doubts tried to find their way into her hazy thoughts again, but he was there, shifting towards her to shield her from the guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, you should know what's coming by now, exactly. Another episode of **BDSM 101** this time: Aftercare
> 
> Aftercare is not optional but may be whatever you and your partner want it to be. If there's wounds inflicted those obviously have to be treated, depending on the play you and/or your partner might need fluids, nutrients, sugar because it can be very intense on the body. However, it always takes a toll on the mind too which is not to be underestimated. Things might have been said. Emotions are raw and you might feel like shit. A hug might help, being alone might help, you and your partner negotiate such things like everything else that'll happen between you. It doesn't matter if your partner is your spouse or some person you picked up, you are both entitled to aftercare. This is not only for the subs health, but the Dom too. If you skip aftercare which you also use to come out of that headspace you were in during play, and you don't have the opportunity to process whatever you did while in that headspace… it can fuck you up for days, so take this seriously. Search for Dom- /Sub-drop if you need more information. We'll come back to this again later.
> 
> If you have questions or worries don't hesitate to contact me. 
> 
> Huge thank you to [nntssy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nntssy/pseuds/nntssy) and [Inurshuh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inurshuh/pseuds/Inurshuh) for beta reading.
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed this, I'd love to get a comment for feedback. Anyways, around middle of the week it's time for their goodbye


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time was all about aftercare, this time is about their goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back!  
> I'm sorry. That's all.

Tashigi hadn't slept much tonight, the constant throbbing of her back, the steady pull of the wounds kept her awake for most of it. But he'd been there, at her side… How very poetic that she needed a demon in her bed to keep her own demons at bay. They never stood a chance with their whispered lies about inferiority and guilt; drowned out by his assurances that she had done well, endured her rightful punishment, was a good person. Not once had he proposed to apply the numbing agent to her back to make it easier, because he knew she was strong enough. Knew that her guilt wouldn't leave her if she took the easy route and instead he had talked her through meditation. Not for the first time she wondered if he did the same for everyone he was with or if he treated her differently from the strangers that bowed to his blade. She knew he'd answer her if she were to ask, but like all the times before, she discarded the thought. Of course, he did the same to everyone. It didn't matter that they actually enjoyed the pain he inflicted; he would not do harm without taking responsibility. 

They had fallen asleep sometime around dawn and judging by how low the sun still stood, she had probably only had four hours of sleep. Four hours before her body had thought it a good idea to turn around causing her to jump awake in a new flare of pain. He hadn't teased her about that once during the night, instead he had praised how well she had withstood the curse even though he barely kept the sword docile. 

He was awake, of course; he was always awake when she woke and she supposed his well known routine of random naps during the day had to do with that. 

“Glad you’re still here,” she murmured against his skin.

“‘Fuckin’ course I am, why wouldn’t I?” he scoffed, his hand coming to rest against her hip.

With a laugh that uncomfortably tugged against her wounds she returned, “because you're lost in the forest after a midnight piss?” 

“Oh, fuck off, Glasses, that happened once. Once! And I was back by the time you woke up!” he raged before muttering under his breath how he’d thoroughly dunk her in the pool if it wasn’t for the wounds he’d inflicted a few hours before. She’d long since stopped wondering how a man as intimidating as him could be that easily flustered, and that adorable doing it. Really there was nothing that should still surprise her about him. What would the Navy think if they knew how caring he could be under that overly gruff exterior? Thoroughly exploit it probably because nothing mattered if one committed the crime of being a pirate.

With a sigh she pressed closer, no use in pursuing this line of thought. Nothing good or sustainable could come from thinking too hard about all those good qualities he kept hidden away from the world, about what could be if they weren’t on opposite sides of the law. No, what they had was more than should be possible already and she would not ruin it by letting girlish fantasies taint it; because she knew, if she were to fall in love with this man, she would have to end it. For both their sakes, and she knew, without him, without this, she wouldn’t make it for long. He’d been right, it would only get worse, and she would need him to take the edge off. So yes, thoughts like that? She had to squash them as soon as they arose. Distract herself by any means possible. Get distance by any means possible. Make her somehow forget how close they could be. 

She sat up, his hand falling to the bedding beneath without protest. It was a shame she couldn’t use _Ivankov’s Worryfree_ , since it could show up in her regular screening and was illegal… Not that women all over the world cared if it kept them from popping babies every few years. Not that the screening itself wasn't convenient on its own as it verified a clean bill of health. Regular screenings and prevention was another reason he was such a perfect match for her, because child or not, she could rely on the Strawhats' doctor to keep him clean. 

Clean or not, she still had to get up and leave his warmth behind her to rummage through her duffle bag for the _Ivankov's Quick Fix_ she’d bought after running into him yesterday.

“Ya sure that’s a good idea,” he snarked from the bed even while pushing his pants down his hips, “you can’t even walk without wincing.”

“Shut up, pirate,” she barked when she found the small package with the syringe, doing her fucking damndest not to wince when turning back to him.

Amusement danced in his eye. “Ya gonna make me?”

“You bet your ass I am,” she countered returning to the bed. She knew she had the easy grace of a fighter if she didn't trip, and not the sultry movements of a woman, but he never cared about that. His eye holding her gaze even as she bent down for the discarded disinfectant from the night before. 

She couldn't help the smile when she came eyelevel with his erection. Always in control over his body but so, so eager as soon as she showed interest. Standing back up, disinfectant and syringe clasped in one hand, she let her knuckles brush over the velvety skin of his cock which ironically enough was probably the softest thing on his rough and steely body. With every step she took she trailed her fingers up his abs, his muscles jumping under her touch. Did he enjoy the roughness of her hands as much as she enjoyed his? She thought he did, knew he wasn't particularly fond of gentleness.

So she wasn’t, dragging her blunt nails over his pecs before she came to stand next to his head. Her crotch right at eye level and still he held her gaze, hadn’t even lingered on her small breasts even though she _knew_ he enjoyed them, how they’d practically vanish in his big hands. He cocked an eyebrow in question, maybe even as a challenge, one she answered by pulling the pillow from under him and slinging one leg over his head, hovering over his face for just a second before his hands landed on her hips to pull her closer. 

His hot breath was a crass contrast to the cold of the disinfectant on her thigh and the tingle of the stubble on his chin enough of a distraction while she pinched the muscle and pushed the needle in. She hated the feeling of the serum distributing around the injection, but it didn’t matter. Just like It didn’t matter that there could never be more between them than there already was. What they had she would enjoy to its fullest, indulge until he left her behind, use him to make the pain go away as long as he would let her. 

She leaned back, steadied herself with her hands on his hips, angling just a little further, allowing his mouth to push the pain of her back to the far end of her consciousness while liquid fire filled her veins. 

“Come on, Roronoa, you train your mouth everyday; you can do better than that,” she ground out as he kept her somewhere between bliss and annoyance with tender licks and soft sucks. He laughed against her, the vibration sending lighting up her spine.

“Would it kill you to ask nicely? Where are your fucking manners, Marine?”, he asked and just fucking stopped. She should have known that he’d been way too complacent, just taking her sitting on his face like that. 

She pressed closer, rubbed herself over him until his grip on her hips tightened to the point of pain, holding her in place. “Not going to ask a filthy pirate for anything; you’re damn lucky I’m not putting you in chains.”

“Is that a threat?,” he laughed, his voice muffled against her cunt but still she could hear the curiosity clear as day. He was always ready for a fight wasn’t he? He lifted her from his face effortlessly, balanced her in his hands as if she was nothing. “And don’t think I’d go easy on you just because you’re injured. I know exactly how much you can take, Tashigi,” he snarled sitting up with only his core strength as if it was fucking special, as if she couldn’t do that. Did he know how her name from his lips made her lower belly come alive? He dropped her between his legs. She winced at the shock running through her wounds, that one moment of distraction enough for his hand to fist in her hair to pull her head back, to put her down again. “Now be a good girl and get on your hands and knees for me unless you want me to fuck you on your back.”

No, she didn’t want that, did not enjoy the pain as he did but, even as she knew he didn’t voice empty threats, even as her hackles rose with the words… his tone alone sent sparks between her legs. “Fuck you, pira–” curse trailing off to a painfilled scream as her back made sudden contact with the mattress, wounds coming alive with thousand pinpricks as she scrambled to get into position before he could make true on his threat. She fucking hated how much leverage she gave him every time they did this. Next time they met she’d have her cuffs on her. See if he dared break them, if it would put him in debt with their navigator. But all what ifs and next times didn’t matter, because he was hot against her, one calloused hand gripping her hip while the other slipped between her legs; hating how she jumped against him, how sensitive she’d gotten with all the back and forth, despite how weak and powerless he made her feel, again. 

“Just fucking do it,” she ground out as the lazy circles he rubbed over her clit only served to make her realise how pitifully cold and empty she felt.

He scoffed. “Ask nicely, I said. I know you can do that, Tashigi, you’ve begged me before.”

Fucking asshole. And using her name like that! The audacity of that pirate. She pushed up, only got to lift her hands from the mattress before his hand was in her hair and forced her head into the bedding. “Ask nicely,” he repeated, putting just a bit more pressure on her head to muffle her frustrated scream. He got off on that, she knew. Was even grateful. She wouldn’t be coddled by him. She didn’t want pity. It was always like this. Hot passion or fighting tooth and nail for dominance that, in the end, she always lost. It was nice if she was being honest with herself. She didn't have to be strong with him. Didn't have to prove herself. Didn't have to lead. He'd never cared about any of that, no matter the snide remarks and mocking grins, he'd never cared that she was a woman, he'd always respected her for who she was. What he hadn't respected was how she pretended to be something else. If she just put up enough of a fight she could allow herself to fall and let him whisk her away. Actually that's what this was all about, wasn't it? Relief and distance from what she had to be?

"Please," she bit out but the burn of humility was soothed instantly at the pressure of his hand retreating, putting a chaste kiss to her shoulder, hot cock pressing against her backside. Gods she wanted him inside!

Rough fingers slid up between her lips, pushing in with just enough resistance to make her sigh and just not enough for more. He knew that. Had to know, simply because he enjoyed it way too much.

"Come on," she urged pushing back against his fingers despite knowing that it was exactly what he wanted her to do. Get them deeper, just a bit, just to the spot she knew the infuriating bastard could find without even really trying because apparently that's how his brain worked. 

"What?"

"Fucking- please, fuck me," she bit out and hoped it was enough because if he didn't give her something substantial soon, she would have to get it herself and she really wasn't in the mood for that. She’d have to act for that, think. Think about what exactly she wanted from him and that train of thought would inevitably lead to the things she simply could not want. And it couldn’t go there, not when they were in the midst of their good bye. She knew she was selfish, and grateful that he allowed her to be. She needed this fight, she couldn’t part on being vulnerable; being tender because it would keep her awake at night for months, little demons whispering sweet ‘what ifs’ into her mind that had no room in her life as a marine, that were in the way of her goal, her dream. She needed this so that the next time they met on the battlefield, her blade would not quiver with the fear of hurting him. “Please use me.”

He pulled his fingers out with a sound that would have made her blush and sputter like their first time but let her sigh in relief now. He understood. They had talked about it and he knew. He wouldn’t let her guilty conscience consume her over it. The next minutes would be quick and dirty and everything they needed for maintaining the distance their positions required of them. Didn’t matter that it got harder every time. For her anyway. But they didn’t talk about that. Never talked about that.

He pushed in, both hands firmly clasped around her hips, one sinfully wet and sticky, the other dry and rough, his cock inside thick and hard and so fucking right, because he’d just make her forget. She pushed back against him with every heavy thrust, as much as his iron grip allowed, while every jab of his hips pushed her upper body deeper into the mattress. Her breasts scraping over the rough fabric just right, his balls deliciously slapping against her clit with every move, while her mind turned blissfully blank as it drowned in pleasure. No what ifs, no moral dilemmas taunting her and twisting her heart. She could have this mindless fucking with anyone, it didn’t have to be him. This was no daydream material. This was not special, nothing that she would wish to keep, nothing she could wistfully, painfully remember. 

She urged him to go faster, harder, to further tighten that coil in her lower belly. To grip her tighter and just give her that twinge of discomfort she'd need to offset her enjoyment in her memory. 

A hard slap across her ass made her yelp. 

“Quit spacin’ out, Glasses, I’m not going to wait for you.”

Of course he wouldn’t wait, didn’t owe her anything in this; they used each other, that’s all it was. It didn’t matter that in the wee hours of the night he had been the center of her world. That he had cleaned her, bandaged her, held her… He was a stranger, a pirate. She used him to cope, he used her to pacify the blade at his hip. Nothing more. Never more. Couldn’t be. 

He came with a grunt, pushing just a bit deeper, riding his climax out with a few lazy thrusts. She didn’t join him. Of course she didn’t, she never did. Apart from the very first time that had caught her completely off guard. She wouldn’t let that happen again. No ‘what ifs’ again.

He sighed. She knew he was disappointed. Not because he couldn’t make her cum or some other male ego thing… no he _could_ make her follow, they both knew that, it was that she didn’t want to. Couldn’t want. What random one night stand would worry about her pleasure? He couldn’t be more than that to her. He just couldn’t! 

He slipped out, one hand from her hip lingering longer than necessary and she steeled her resolve against the dejection she knew would come. It was better than the alternative. She _knew_. She really, really did. If she wanted to go on, stay on her path to justice, she absolutely had no other choice than to not feel. And it was a lot easier to not feel for the fucking bastard that used her as a cumdump every now and again, instead of the man that had held her and told her how proud he was of her for enduring and holding on to her beliefs. 

It was just easier not to care for a man that would leave her like that, naked and cold, unsatisfied and with cum running down her thighs. 

She watched as he put his robe back on and strapped his swords in- she really had never seen that new blade in any of her books.

He chuckled, “They are Enma, they’ll completely suck you dry if you let them. You can play with them next time if you want,” he said on his way to the door. “I’ll ask Law to drop by later, he can give you the snail too.” he finished as he left for the door, sake bottle in hand and without another glance at her. It was just easier not to _feel_ for a man that didn’t feel for her. And what kind of man would leave a woman he cared about like this? But… 

She muttered a “thank you” knowing full well that he would not let her argue about that any more than the night before, and curled into a ball on the bed, not caring about how his cum trickled out of her; ignoring the cold he had left. Fucking pirate, ruining all her attempts at distancing herself by being nice and caring like that. Just how could she not feel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this at least a bit, let me know what you think in a comment! Huge thank you to [Inurshuh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inurshuh/pseuds/Inurshuh) for beta reading! Have you read her [Cold](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24404356) fic? Enjoyed it? Watch out there's a sequel in the works that's a lot hotter and less angsty than this scene. Also, Thanks to [lunnamars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunnamars) for character checking and... obviously, thanks to ghost for holding my hand through this and telling me to "slow the fuck down"... You know with the shit I write you'd really think I'm mature enough to do so on my own, but writing any form of smut I'm really just a whiny bitch needing reassurance every step of the way... I don't know why I do this to myself^^'
> 
>  **If you want to see the care Tashigi receives from Law, check out this[extra chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24603607), it's part two of this series and you could skip it if you wanted or read it after the fic is done. Chronically, this is when it happens though**  
> Sidenote: Ivankov's quick fix etc, I picture that as an insulin pen or something like that, do not inject anything into your body unless it's medically approved and you work under a doctor's supervision/order. 
> 
> Stay safe, y'all. See you end of the week for the last chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Glad to see you made it! This chapter will be a little bit different, as it's from Zoro's POV. Also, remember what I said about aftercare being for all parties? Yeah, keep that in mind.

A match hissed to life next to him.

"You know this thing you have with her doesn't have a future, right?"

He scoffed, bringing the bottle of sake to his lips. As little as the woman knew how to take care of herself, she knew how to pick the good stuff. "Yeah, doesn't need one either, it's fine as it is."

"Sure, that's why you're out here sulking everytime you leave her behind," the cook snarled at him. The agitation was palpable and he knew that it wasn't just because he dared to  _ defile sweet Tashigi-chan _ like that. Those days were long past. 

"I ain't sulking, Curly Brow. I'm thinking,"

"Oh? And since when can your shitty mossbrain do that? You're not  _ thinking  _ about the others you're with," he taunted plopping to the planks, back leaning against Sunny's railing. 

"It's 'cuz I don't give a shit about the others," he answered sitting down next to him. Shitty bastard could have at least brought him some more good sake if he thought he needed consoling.

They sat in silence for a while, smoking and drinking respectively. It did get harder every time. He could feel it, the dejection he left her with and he hated leaving her like that, it went against every single one of his instincts. Using her like that left him raw and open, longing for closure, but… it really didn't matter if it kept her alive.

"Does that mean you  _ do  _ give a shit about her?" Curly asked after a particularly long drag of his cigarette.

Fucking shit. He slumped against the other man's shoulder before just giving up and resting his head in his lap. At least he didn't have to be in the direct line of the smoke. Fuck this shit. "'Course I do. Glasses is… I really wouldn't mind dying by her blade."

A long sigh above him before a yellow tinted hand started to comb through his hair. "Fuck that's probably pretty darn romantic in your fucked up marimo head."

"Fuck off," he grumbled at the taunt. He'd meant it quite literally. 

"You really need to take better care of yourself in this fucked up relationship you have with her, shitty Marimo."

Yeah… maybe. But it didn't really matter. He had all his family to help him cope while the stupid marine refused to find help anywhere else.

It didn't take long for him to hear the quiet steps of Robin, and not for the first time he wondered how she could move that quietly in those heels, whatever she even wore them for. The woman was a fucking giant as it was. Not like Nami, who definitely wore them to make up for how tiny she was. Didn't know why she bothered with that either since fucking everyone knew that it was her who was wearing the pants on this crew… however skimpy they might be but anything to smuggle some horny fools out of their money... Robin sat down against the railing, long legs sprawled over his lap and one hand on his for silent support. They were always there when he needed them. Luffy followed, curling into his side surprisingly docile, head resting in the crook of his arm while Chopper sprawled out on his chest. 

When Nami came he spread his legs for her to snuggle up between, resting her head against Robin's thigh and as much as he appreciated his crew's support he really kinda began to wish he'd started his sulking in a comfy bed. He sighed, better mentally prepare for giving the damn witch a massage tomorrow... Ah shit, didn’t matter, he owed her plenty for the snail anyways. A quiet relaxing tune wafting through the air, tiny droplets of water dancing through the sky following the music's lead as Jinbei settled down somewhere behind his head and -what the fuck- when had Usopp crammed himself in between Robin and Curly Brow? Fuck, it was baffling almost… how easy he could let his guard down when it was just all of them. Just their presence was enough to soothe the burn of regret and fill this hole of neglect. He took a deep breath, the bit of weight from Chopper and the three loops of Luffy’s arm around him barely even noticeable. Fuck, leaving her like that. 

Law had said she was fine. But how the fuck could she be fine like that? He knew where she was coming from, of course, and he respected her for following her dream like that… What they shared was bad enough for her, if she wanted to stay in the Navy she had to keep seeing him as the enemy, but fuck this shit, this was not how it was supposed to go. Didn’t give a fuck about using and abusing her, fuck that was the fun part. But… not taking care of her afterwards? Made him feel like a fucking asshole, which obviously was the whole fucking point but… how the fuck did she cope with that? She didn’t have  _ this _ . Sure she had the idiots from G-5 that obviously adored her, and she had Smoker, but it was different.

“Yohohoho, would you mind my joining in on the fun? The night can chill you to the bones, although I am  _ only  _ bones, yohohoho,” their musician laughed before plopping straight across Luffy, Chopper and himself, boney ass in the air and head dangerously close to Robin’s ass, if his part happy part scared yelp counted for anything. Fucking idiot. All of them actually. Franky lying on top of the railing like a fucking diva, one arm raised, so the weird ass forearm square could radiate heat all around. He couldn’t help the laugh. If he were an actual asshole that left his partners behind cold and abused there was no fucking way he’d now be part of a giant pirate cuddle heap. If only Glasses knew! 

He gripped Robin’s hand tighter, pulled Luffy closer if that was even possible and leaned just a bit more into Curly’s touch. He was actually really fucking lucky with his family, wasn’t he? Fuck. This was what Tashigi envied him for. This family, this freedom. Not the freedom for adventure. Freedom to be weak and vulnerable. Something she could never be as long as she insisted on being part of the Navy. She didn’t have the luxury of weakness. Didn’t fucking matter if their meetings left him raw and weak. If he was the only one she could allow herself to be vulnerable with like that? He’d be there for that. And if it meant leaving her wanting and used, fuck it, he’d be there for that, too. He’d be there for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! What? Are you telling me you can't imagine their positioning? Don't worry, I got you, I did an amazing [diagram](https://twitter.com/nitwentyone/status/1264887451400777728?s=19)
> 
> Huge thank you to [Inurshuh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inurshuh/pseuds/Inurshuh) for beta reading (check out her "hot" fic!) and [lunnamars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunnamars) for input and of course, as always to SomethingGhosty for the handholding. And thanks to [Einfach_Antonia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Einfach_Antonia/pseuds/Einfach_Antonia) for being a fucking ray of sunshine
> 
> Anyways, what's happening here is the Crew/Law taking over the aftercare for both of them since they aren't there for each other. In case you don't mind the mention of some Zoro/Law FWB on the side, there will be an extra published sometime this week about Law taking care of Tash. Apart from that, there will be a second part! Both will be posted in this series!
> 
> If you liked this fic, please drop me a kudos and or a comment!


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